On marriage: thoughts from a marriage ‘postulant’

 This may not be the easiest post to read for some people I know and may seem infinitely naive for those few I know that are actually knowledgeable and much more practiced on the subject. Edith Stein once gave a talk titled in German Muttererziehungskunst- roughly translatable as motherhood kraft. At the start of it she humourously commented on the irony of a single female academic, who had spent the better part of a decade living in a Dominican convent and college, and a year or two later would become a Carmelite, being asked for talk about motherhood. She of course had ample knowledge about spiritual motherhood, something she also commented on in this talk. There is much that one can learn from observation and talking to others about a certain topic, it isn’t only experience, though obviously experience gives a knowledge about some things that renders a depth that is missing without that experience.

In the case of marriage, it is a curious thing, but the church has a clear idea about what marriage is, and married couples may comment that a lot of what the church says is quite accurate while it is missing some of the more nitty-gritty details only known to those couples living a sacramental marriage. 

One could also point to Humanae Vitae and the prophetic words of warning Pope Paul VI wrote about the consequences, especially for women, of wide-spread use of contraception. Time has proven him right but only those of us who have taken then time to read through the document and observe western society was it currently is are aware of how accurate his description was. It is incredibly sad the dark hole human relations, especially between men and women, have fallen into since Humanae Vitae was written. And he wrote this without ever having to confront in his own life the use of contraceptives.

One of the most overlooked points of the encyclical is the unitive nature of marriage. So much emphasis is placed on the procreative nature that people often forget the importance of the harmonious community that the spouses are called to created with each other for the development of the spouses. I would hazard a Thomistic understanding of the marriage vocation in this instance: the primary vocation in this secondary state of the Christian vocation (ie. after the baptismal) is the spousal vocation: the two people are called with each other to God. Within that primary vocation secondary vocations may develop: the main secondary vocation is procreative: bringing new souls to this world and helping to form them for God. A bit more on vocations can be listened to in this excellent interview by Fr Nick Crowe (now provincial of England for the Dominicans and a friend from student years) on discernment in Aquinas. His book for the CTS I’m sure is well worth reading.

I have observed, particularly in women but men are not exempt, that the anxiety over getting married resides in the desire for children much more than in the need for loving a specific human being. In some unfortunate instances this has led to speedy marriages that then end badly because the desire for the marriage state with all its trappings of children and home led to bypassing some glaring issues that in a clearer state of mind would have halted all proceedings. You have to like the person before you can love them, you have to be happy being just friends with the person over wanting to sleep with them (this does not mean lack of desire). The clarity to recognise both is key to a healthy relationship. 

Some years ago I heard a priest argue for a two-year pre-cana course as a solution for the rising number of separations amongst young catholics. While it is important to give engaged couples formation, two-years sounds like a recipe against a chaste engagement. A different solution is needed of course, maybe formation for couples that are dating might give a firmer ground for and if they reach the pre-cana stage. Central to this formation would be a process of discernment of why you are in fact seeking to date anyone. What motivates you to want to be married? Are you in fact called to the married state? Someone could argue that we are all naturally inclined to be married. That is in fact true but not everyone is called to sacramental marriage, some people may in fact be called to consecrated life, and those called to marriage are called with specific people not just anyone( Fr Nick has a bit to say about the grace in this). While we can marry a few people, there isn’t just ‘the One’, that doesn’t mean we marry just anyone. There is a reason why marrying the first man that asks because you are nearing infertile years or the first woman that accepts because she is young enough to have children doesn’t and hasn’t worked for those that have followed this route. 

Recovering, or re-emphasizing the unitive nature of marriage, that which was spoken of in Genesis, and Edith Stein remembers in her writings, would go a long way towards recovering a healthier process of marriage discernment. A healthy perspective would be to bring back a desire for marriage because of the relationship with the spouse, the call to live in community in and for God with that one concrete person. A leaving behind considerations of all the other stuff that comes with being married, especially that of having children. This does not mean the topic of children shouldn’t come up at some point but it should not be the starting point for dating or not dating someone. If a man meets a woman who is older but in all other aspects is the right person for him, he should consider if maybe his hesitancy doesn’t lie in his fear of not having as many children as he had once envisioned. Focusing on this biological aspect rather than discerning whether that woman may be the right companion for him on his journey to God may rob him precisely of the God-given community that would most make him happy, even if it would only come with one child or no children unless you adopt.